okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize