This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
