I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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