I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
