He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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