The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize