i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
