The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
