I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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