Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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