I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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