Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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