I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Holy sore nipples Batman
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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