96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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