I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Barsexuality is the new black.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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