HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
