I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
