i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
No more Irish car bombs ever.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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