yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
