all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
