i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
