the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
