Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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