I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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