sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize