I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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