Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
