She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
