I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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