Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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