dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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