It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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