He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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