it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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