I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
