Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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