I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
