I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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