Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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