Swine flu. Run for my life!
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
