Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
