The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
