bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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