Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
