Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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