Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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