You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
