I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
