my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
