That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
