I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
