I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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