Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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