I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You pole danced in your parka.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
