i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
