I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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