i think my mom watched the whole time
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize