please come you make the beer taste better
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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