Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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