fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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