I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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