Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
